There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
