Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
