my phone needs a breathalizer
Girls should come with a carfax report
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
