Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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