i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
