if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She announced her abortion via fbk
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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