toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize