Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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