if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize