3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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