These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
