lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
