my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize