I wish life had little blips of pornography
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
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