i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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