Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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