Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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