I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
