you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
