i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
