who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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