Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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