Just cropdusted the office
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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