He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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