Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
