i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
