I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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