Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
