just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
