how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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