Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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