Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
