plz talk dirty to me
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Your dad touched me again.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
