Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize