y did u give ur computer a hand job?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
