Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
