There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
