Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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