ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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