Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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