I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
then he tried to convert me to islam
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
