God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
