im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
