A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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