R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
