I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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