he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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