i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
