I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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