my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
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