How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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