I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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