i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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