what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
