I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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