You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
