I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
