Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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