I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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