my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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