Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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